a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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