dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
