so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
