i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
