im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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