Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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