babies were throwing up all over the place
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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