I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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