chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
They took my balls.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
