Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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