my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
