I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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