ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
