apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
