im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
