I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk