ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!