3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
