If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
