he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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