we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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