In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
