I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
