some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize