This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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