Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
