If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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