Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
