my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
So many bounce houses so little time
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
