Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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