gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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