decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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