I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
