What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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