I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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