i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
