I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
