I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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