The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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