Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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