Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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