I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
