After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
