Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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