I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
