Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
