Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
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You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
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I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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