ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
