Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
