We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
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It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
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the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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