I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
