I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
