HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
