Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
