You smell like a Billy Joel song
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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