I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I need to calm my uterus...
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
