Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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