Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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