Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
