Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
